caterpillar schemes


“How do you connect things? Learn their names.” — Don DeLillo, The Names

The responsibility of a human being to live up to his name is tremendous, unconscious, and above all, a test of time and encounter (in Martin Buber’s words - “meeting”). Israel seems to have a strange fascination with my name. I’m enjoying the reaction from just about everyone I meet here, and I’m fully aware of the sexual and cultural connotations which “Lolita” is impregnated with; however, I have never received such a consistent response of disbelief and interest. Living in shades of grey instead of deciding on black or white, a creature of moderation and balance, I naturally stray away from identifying with a political party, a right or left lean of association, and most certainly a clear explanation of what a name signifies. In English (America) it seems, a name is nothing more than a label on a birth certificate, a place in a line, a number, a logical way to organize your emails. In Israel, a name is something you shout out across a crowded - or sparsely populated room - to get someone’s attention, to barter at the shuk for a cheaper price on kumquats; it’s something you use to address another in a conversation, or maybe even to acknowledge and speak to a Thou - be it through prayer (HaShem, השם) or through everyday meeting and experience with People.

“Responsibility is thus, in the last analysis, readiness to respond in the dialogue with God, which takes place in the lived moment of existence.” — Martin Buber

The names people go by in Israel, in the Hebrew language, are all chock-full of meaning and their etymology is fascinating to me - “Lolita”. The names are either biblical, not fictional, providing metaphorical shoes one must attempt to walk in during their lifetime, since subconsciously a name will affect how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you, thus shaping your personality from the beginning of the conversation. If not biblical, they are simply a translation for something else, a definition of another object or place or simply an adjective. For example, I’m finding that some of my Israeli friends here really do mirror, in some small or large way, what their name signifies. 1) A confident, bright, social and extremely beautiful 17 year girl, who seems to sing whenever she speaks, is named Chen (חן - meaning grace/favor/charm); 2) Shoni (שוני - meaning difference/variation/disparity), is a 27 year old, politically active, left leaning, Jewish philosophy student, who seems to question, consider, and challenge - respectfully - many Israeli government policies; 3) Gal (גל - meaning a wave) is an enthusiastic, unique and extremely “on-the-go” gentleman of the road, providing insight, when things are serious, and, like other bodies of water, congenial with his relaxing and positive energy. The very word for “name” in Hebrew is “shem” (שם - meaning essence/title/reputation) implies that the word used to call something or someone is rarely just a word, but it is the very fundamental backbone of the זה (it - masculine form). For Jews, a name has so much meaning that God cannot even be named in colloquial speech as “God”. Outside of a ritual context, His official names cannot be said and He is instead referred to as “The Name” or “HaShem” (השם). Read more about the names of God in Judaism via Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_of_God_in_Judaism 
When Adam (אדם - meaning human/person) asked God for a companion, HaShem gave him a slew of animals as companions (before Eve/Hava הוה - meaning passion/trouble/present, came into the picture), and instructed the first man to give them all names according to their “essence” - a lion means king, a dog is loyal, etc.) How fatal can a name be for a person that does not fit the bill, so to speak? How does one identify themselves without a name and how do things grow, shape, evolve without this odd combination of letters molding like clay personality and character? And… most interestingly, why is it such a big deal with Judaism in particular? In an article called Fatal Discourse, published on Haaretz.com on March 2nd, 2012, Michael Handelzalts describes the fatal and legal consequences of incorrectly defining political and historical atrocities, specifically with regards to the title given to that WWII tragedy, which resulted in 1) the genocide of 6million Jews; and 2) the birth of a Jewish nation. Can other international examples of genocide be labeled as a “holocaust” and how does the name of these no less devastating and severe examples of killings affect their development and hopefully eventual end? 

“Scheffer advises politicians and policy makers to beware when attaching names to mass atrocities-in-progress. He writes: “It is the responsibility of historians to establish the facts of distant events and of jurists to determine whether these were a genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, human rights abuses, political repression or other crimes against civil or political rights. Using the word ‘genocide’ loosely can be tragically ineffective or self-defeating. It can intimidate powerful nations from reacting quickly enough to prevent further atrocities.”

When a name carries so much weight, how can one ever pick a group to belong to, how can a parent pick a name for a child, whose character has only begun to take root, how is it possible for one word to determine so much of the future? Referring to the Shakespearean animosity between rivals Montague and Capulet, the nation of Israel responds to the call of Thou with Juliet’s famous rhetorical question:  “What’s in a name?”

“How do you connect things? Learn their names.” — Don DeLillo, The Names

The responsibility of a human being to live up to his name is tremendous, unconscious, and above all, a test of time and encounter (in Martin Buber’s words - “meeting”). Israel seems to have a strange fascination with my name. I’m enjoying the reaction from just about everyone I meet here, and I’m fully aware of the sexual and cultural connotations which “Lolita” is impregnated with; however, I have never received such a consistent response of disbelief and interest. Living in shades of grey instead of deciding on black or white, a creature of moderation and balance, I naturally stray away from identifying with a political party, a right or left lean of association, and most certainly a clear explanation of what a name signifies. In English (America) it seems, a name is nothing more than a label on a birth certificate, a place in a line, a number, a logical way to organize your emails. In Israel, a name is something you shout out across a crowded - or sparsely populated room - to get someone’s attention, to barter at the shuk for a cheaper price on kumquats; it’s something you use to address another in a conversation, or maybe even to acknowledge and speak to a Thou - be it through prayer (HaShem, השם) or through everyday meeting and experience with People.

“Responsibility is thus, in the last analysis, readiness to respond in the dialogue with God, which takes place in the lived moment of existence.” — Martin Buber

The names people go by in Israel, in the Hebrew language, are all chock-full of meaning and their etymology is fascinating to me - “Lolita”. The names are either biblical, not fictional, providing metaphorical shoes one must attempt to walk in during their lifetime, since subconsciously a name will affect how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you, thus shaping your personality from the beginning of the conversation. If not biblical, they are simply a translation for something else, a definition of another object or place or simply an adjective. For example, I’m finding that some of my Israeli friends here really do mirror, in some small or large way, what their name signifies. 1) A confident, bright, social and extremely beautiful 17 year girl, who seems to sing whenever she speaks, is named Chen (חן - meaning grace/favor/charm); 2) Shoni (שוני - meaning difference/variation/disparity), is a 27 year old, politically active, left leaning, Jewish philosophy student, who seems to question, consider, and challenge - respectfully - many Israeli government policies; 3) Gal (גל - meaning a wave) is an enthusiastic, unique and extremely “on-the-go” gentleman of the road, providing insight, when things are serious, and, like other bodies of water, congenial with his relaxing and positive energy. The very word for “name” in Hebrew is “shem” (שם - meaning essence/title/reputation) implies that the word used to call something or someone is rarely just a word, but it is the very fundamental backbone of the זה (it - masculine form). For Jews, a name has so much meaning that God cannot even be named in colloquial speech as “God”. Outside of a ritual context, His official names cannot be said and He is instead referred to as “The Name” or “HaShem” (השם). Read more about the names of God in Judaism via Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_of_God_in_Judaism

When Adam (אדם - meaning human/person) asked God for a companion, HaShem gave him a slew of animals as companions (before Eve/Hava הוה - meaning passion/trouble/present, came into the picture), and instructed the first man to give them all names according to their “essence” - a lion means king, a dog is loyal, etc.) How fatal can a name be for a person that does not fit the bill, so to speak? How does one identify themselves without a name and how do things grow, shape, evolve without this odd combination of letters molding like clay personality and character? And… most interestingly, why is it such a big deal with Judaism in particular? In an article called Fatal Discourse, published on Haaretz.com on March 2nd, 2012, Michael Handelzalts describes the fatal and legal consequences of incorrectly defining political and historical atrocities, specifically with regards to the title given to that WWII tragedy, which resulted in 1) the genocide of 6million Jews; and 2) the birth of a Jewish nation. Can other international examples of genocide be labeled as a “holocaust” and how does the name of these no less devastating and severe examples of killings affect their development and hopefully eventual end?

“Scheffer advises politicians and policy makers to beware when attaching names to mass atrocities-in-progress. He writes: “It is the responsibility of historians to establish the facts of distant events and of jurists to determine whether these were a genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, human rights abuses, political repression or other crimes against civil or political rights. Using the word ‘genocide’ loosely can be tragically ineffective or self-defeating. It can intimidate powerful nations from reacting quickly enough to prevent further atrocities.”

When a name carries so much weight, how can one ever pick a group to belong to, how can a parent pick a name for a child, whose character has only begun to take root, how is it possible for one word to determine so much of the future? Referring to the Shakespearean animosity between rivals Montague and Capulet, the nation of Israel responds to the call of Thou with Juliet’s famous rhetorical question:  “What’s in a name?”

The Jews and Mark Twain

”…If statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of stardust lost in the blaze of the Milky way. properly, the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world’s list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvelous fight in this world, in all the ages; and had done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, and be excused for it.

The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed; and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other people have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?” 

- Mark Twain
(“Concerning The Jews,” Harper’s Magazine, 1899)

Tel-Aviv. 3 weeks. hazy skies. homeland.
“Arriving at each new city, the traveler finds again a past of his that he did not know he had: the foreignness of what you no longer are or no longer possess lies in wait for you in foreign, unpossessed places.”  ― Italo Calvino,  Invisible Cities
Jerusalem. Arab Market. Shabbat.

Tel-Aviv. 3 weeks. hazy skies. homeland.

“Arriving at each new city, the traveler finds again a past of his that he did not know he had: the foreignness of what you no longer are or no longer possess lies in wait for you in foreign, unpossessed places.”
Italo Calvino, Invisible Cities


Jerusalem. Arab Market. Shabbat.

Jerusalem, Arab Market, Shabbat.

Warrior II

Israel keeps resurrecting Hitler - according to Amos Oz - an Israeli writer and journalist -  looking for him in Iran, within Hamas, and within any other enemy group that does not support a Jewish state, justifying their political and military decisions.

“This urge to revive Hitler, only to kill him again and again, is the result of pain that poets can permit themselves to use, but not statesmen… even at great emotional cost personally, you must remind yourself and the public that elected you its leader that Hitler is dead and burned to ashes.” — in response to public statements made by Menachem Begin, Israel’s sixth prime minister.

Neil Lazarus, an influential speaker and educator on the emotionally hefty and global game-changing Arab-Israeli conflict, whom I had the pleasure of meeting and listening to a few days ago, explained to a group of international students beginning an Israeli adventure in Tel-Aviv, that Israel was not created as the outcome of the Holocaust, but instead the Holocaust was permitted to occur because no Jewish state existed. Mr. Lazarus went on to briefly touch on a few historical moments, and summarize Israel’s predicament in taking action with Iran, extremism v. pragmatism, and America’s outsider and pivotal place in all of this. He was surprisingly objective, engaging, charming, and I left the lecture feeling quite inspired by my decision (action in context) of being here, now. He concluded the lecture by encouraging us to become a part of the story, and that means understanding the HUMAN point of view (perhaps the human part was my take on his words), talking to people and not just observing. By choosing to spend time in the Middle East, I guess we (I) are doing just that.

The theme is (still) home. This is the “homeland” for so many different groups of people, all trying to reclaim what they think is rightfully theirs. But it’s not just about land, it’s about history and the spiritual plight of human beings, trying to find answers in a world full of questions. As the daughter of two American immigrants from the former Soviet Union, part Ashkenazim, part Sephardim, American born, privileged and haunted by the stories of my ancestors and the Diaspora of the bloody paths of these dwelling seekers, I never really understood my place in any of it - physically, metaphorically and definitely no lasting spiritual value system to call my own. Here, everyone has a similar story, everyone living here is a mutt, a mix of cultural and religious backgrounds speaking 3 different dialects of the same common language, everyone has a sob story about their families, about antisemitism, about Hitler’s affect on the DENSITY [sic] of the crossing of our individual paths. It’s a nation that is alive with commerce, loud noises, cat piss, markets, impatience, young Israeli soldiers in uniform, who use their military training to pick up American girls at the Tel-Aviv bars, and above all, a strong sense of unity (well, at least among the Jewish people). “Whoever says there is no racism in Israel is either blind or Ashkenazi.” — Neil Lazarus

All criticism and judgment aside, the state of Israel, the people of Israel, Palestinians, humanKIND, we all have the divine opportunity to make choices in our lives, shaping the story, creating dialogue with experience. Preemptive striking or retaliation, offense or defense, the battle is at Kurukshetra:

“The struggle is between two halves of human nature, and choices are posed every moment. Everyone who has accepted this challenge, I think, will testify that life offers no fiercer battle than this war within. We have no choice about the fighting; it is built into human nature. But we do have the choice of which side to fight on.” — Eknah Easwaran, introduction to The Bhagavad Gita

“Now, Arjuna, reflect on these words and then do as you choose”  — Bhaghavad Gita (18:63)

Spring was in the air today. Teenagers hanging out on corners, discussing their plans for the weekend. It was that pleasant surprise, happens every March… when we realize Winter will end soon and there so much hope for better days. Everyone is smiling and just happy to be alive, driving around with the windows rolled down. There’s a patch of snow on the ground…
Full moon tomorrow. It’s a hazy shade of winter, 2012. What does March look like in the land of Milk and Honey? All these cycles vaulting our small lives in the bigger universe. I like it when the light from the moon floods into my bedroom, and i fall asleep knowing everything is heightened for a day or two.
“The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours.”

Spring was in the air today. Teenagers hanging out on corners, discussing their plans for the weekend. It was that pleasant surprise, happens every March… when we realize Winter will end soon and there so much hope for better days. Everyone is smiling and just happy to be alive, driving around with the windows rolled down. There’s a patch of snow on the ground…

Full moon tomorrow. It’s a hazy shade of winter, 2012. What does March look like in the land of Milk and Honey? All these cycles vaulting our small lives in the bigger universe. I like it when the light from the moon floods into my bedroom, and i fall asleep knowing everything is heightened for a day or two.

“The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours.”

Truth transcends the telling - Ino
who is Ino, I can’t say. most likely a made-up quote from a plethora of made-up quotes in the book House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.
inspiring nonetheless… almost finished with the mammoth sized thing!

Truth transcends the telling - Ino

who is Ino, I can’t say. most likely a made-up quote from a plethora of made-up quotes in the book House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.

inspiring nonetheless… almost finished with the mammoth sized thing!

The Weakerthans - Aside

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

— Anaïs Nin

Giving Up The Ghost (cont.)

“Strangely then, the best argument for fact is the absolute unaffordability of fiction. Thus it would appear the ghost haunting The Navidson Record, continually bashing against the door, is none other than the recurring threat of his own reality” — Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves, p.149

There is an old Jewish tradition - when you visit a cemetery or a headstone of a loved one, you leave a rock or a pebble on the headstone to mark that you have been there. This is a sign of love and respect, a physical way of letting go, perhaps.

Rabbi Lerner (about.com) speculates: “It is difficult to know exactly when and why the custom originated and whether it is strictly Jewish. I personally suspect that this custom arose out of the time (possible Roman or earlier) when people - not all Jews - would weigh down the grave or seal the tomb with a stone in order to: (1) prevent anyone including animals from harming the body and (2) prevent an evil spirit from escaping out to harm us.”

According to Rabbi Tom Louchheim, the custom of putting rocks on gravestones may have originated as a way to participate in building the gravestone (since in ancient times graves were usually marked with a cairn rather than a headstone, as we do today). The usual explanation for this custom is that, unlike flowers, rocks are permanent, so they remain on the grave as a memento forever, and symbolize that you will never forget the deceased. Another theory is that this custom is not for the deceased’s benefit, but for the mourner’s; seeing all the rocks that other have placed upon the grave is a comfort to someone grieving for a lost loved one. Read more: Why Do People Put Rocks on Gravestones? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/facts_5016452_people-put-rocks-gravestones.html#ixzz1mwCiCO6G

———————————————————————————————————————

In the past couple of years, as I spend more time outside and appreciate the history and permanence of rocks of all shapes, sizes, locations and colors and their atomic effect on the energy and space between it all, I noticed that I’ve gotten into the habit of picking up rocks and storing them in my “ROCKS” pouch, until a later date and place, where I like to throw same rock into a different rabbit hole (into a canyon in Malibu, off of a rooftop in Brooklyn on New Years Eve, etc.) I didn’t understand why I did it, but it felt good… to mix up the different energies places carry for me and taking a bit of the earth and leaving (forcing) that energy someplace else. I suppose I felt like I was letting go of some kind of memory that a specific place carried for me, into the same behemoth sized universe that brought the experience to me in the first place. It was all circular and good in my mind, symbolizing closure, change and a continuation of some kind of narrative. I only recently connected my personal odd pattern with this longtime Jewish tradition - perhaps seeing my family leave rocks on headstones at funerals as a little girl became an ingrained habit.

I guess, in a sense, by picking up and letting go of rocks along my personal path and the idea of placing a rock in memoriam for the deceased is a way of GIVING UP THE GHOST (see earlier post on Henry Miller’s words). Not to be taken too literally or too abstractly - whatever haunts you, even if it’s yourself, a quality you loathe or a pattern you’ve grown accustomed to - GIVE IT UP. It’s just weighing you down.

“It is almost as if entrance let alone a purpose - any purpose - in the face of those endless lightless regions is reason enough to rejoice.” — Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves, p.153

Caress the detail, the divine detail.
Vladimir Nabokov (via ocularappetite)
The Theme is Home

Michigan so far:  snowshine on a saturday morning, after driving down Woodward Avenue in a snow storm from Detroit (where artificial rainbows were present and Adult. music was performed live) at MoCAD.

“It’s impossible to fall of mountains, you fool!” — Kerouac, Dharma Bums

Vizzini: HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Visual Evoked Potential

Checks the pathway from the eye to the brain. Electrodes are placed onto the scalp. You are seated in front of a screen and asked to stare at the center. One eye is covered while the other eye is tested. The stimulus is given, which is usually a checkerboard pattern, that quickly reverses color. A computer records the results. Total time is usually about one hour.

Our Women are Straight Lines - in the Multiverse

Intelligent Design v. the Multiverse Theory

Alan Lightman’s essay - The Accidental Universe:  Science’s Crisis of Faith - in Harper’s Magazine/December 2011 argues that science discredits religion or the idea of ONE creator; however the universe might not be as rationally oriented as we had hoped. In fact, Lightman steps dangerously close to the edge (of our universe, let’s call it “Spaceland”) and says that there might be evidence of the existence of many universes. Furthermore, he stresses that “the most basic features of our particular universe are indeed mere accidents - a random throw of the cosmic dice.”

This concept of the Multiverse has been a growing explanation for the unexpected detection of what scientists call dark energy. No one knows what this energy in our universe is, but scientists do know that it constitutes almost three quarters of the total energy of the universe. “If the amount of dark energy in our universe were only a little but different that what it actually is, then life could never have emerged.” Thus, Lightman continues “A vast number of universes may exist, with many different values of the amount of dark energy. Our particular universe is one of the universes with a small value, permitting the emergence of life. We are here, so our universe must be such a universe. We are an accident. From the cosmic lottery hat containing zillions of universes, we happened to draw a universe that allowed life. But then again, if we had not drawn such a ticket, we would not be here to ponder the odds.”

The article goes on to explain the theory of the Multiverse and modern theories of physics that predict this possible phenomena (String Theory and Eternal Inflation). But I’ll allow the physicists to explain these topics if they interest you, since I am not a man or a square. I am merely a straight line in Sir Edwin Abbott’s Flatland, where the world is two-dimensional. I’m emotional and when angry wreak havoc simply because of my body’s linear “female” shape. And, most importantly, women, squares, noble circles, savage triangles, we all cannot fathom a universe that actually includes a 3rd dimension or an “above”. Why? Because the inhabitants of Flatland dont know anything beyond their existence. Much like (in reality now) the inhabitants of this 3D universe, or specifically me - I cannot wrap my head around the possibility of many universes… because, well… because the idea is just so BIG.

“Not only must we accept that basic properties of our universe are accidental and uncalculable. In addtion, we must believe in the existence of many other universes. But we have no conceivable way of observing these other universes and cannot prove their existence. Thus, to explain what we see in the world and in our mental deductions, we must believe in what we cannot prove.”

BE PATIENT, FOR THE WORLD IS BROAD AND WIDE. - SHAKESPEARE

Whenever you accept what is, something deeper emerges than what is. So, you can be trapped in the most painful dilemma, external or internal, the most painful feelings or situation, and the moment you accept what is, you go beyond it, you transcend it. Even if you feel hatred, the moment you accept that this is what you feel, you transcend it. It may still be there, but suddenly you are at a deeper place where it doesn’t matter that much anymore.
Eckhart Tolle (via lucifelle)
Assertiveness means to bring joy to our heart, to bring quality to our day, to enlighten others by living our highest.
Almine (via lucifelle)
We Have Need for Strong Hands, for Spirits who are Willing to Give Up the Ghost and Put on the Flesh…

Tropic of Cancer

Sometimes Henry Miller’s words cause a restless stir and leave me a bit breathless, like a punch in the gut. He rambles for pages and pages and irritates for the most part, but then there’s that one sentence or paragraph that just hits the nail on the head and knocks you down with introspection for a few minutes. At least long enough to get out your pencil and underline the passage, in case memory fails our life’s work of documentation and the need to collect trophies that prove “i was there”, “i felt that”…

I’m ecstatic that the Pink Bear sign has a new home (from the woods of hunting season in New Jersey, only to be stolen in the middle of the night by the over-active imaginations of spooky music influenced pranksters, to a corner in my room with a view in Greenpoint, and now on to Aik’s apartment in Bushwick). Pink Bears have a new place to congregate in order to discuss, create, socialize… cocktail hour is still on schedule just the coordinates have changed; they are always changing. I’m ok with this sometimes painful truth; in fact, at the moment, I’m really excited about the future and tired of being stagnant. “Home is just a pair of slippers, anyways” is my motto. We learned long ago to keep our belongings minimal (maybe it’s because of my romanticized view of immigrant roots and the Diaspora that keep life in small, compartmentalized doses?)… only a few postcards here and there, a couple of notebooks, a device to take a few snapshots, a LAMY pen for the things that need to be written in bold ink, a pencil for the things that can change, on a whim.

The narrative continues, even though I know full well that it is extremely unhealthy to see the whole thing as a novel, separated by chapters and injected with dramatic foreshadowing, and… of course, a momentum building soundtrack.

so, Mr. Miller, you and your disgust for Americana and appreciation for the crisp and magical Big Sur winds, I happily and anxiously accept your call to arms… to “put on the flesh”… but I unfortunately don’t have time to read Tropic of Capricorn right now…

“Once you have given up the ghost, everything follows with dead certainty, even in the midst of chaos.”  — Henry Miller, Tropic of Capricorn, 1.